The Super Duper Hilarious NonShinjiHating Spoof
by Moose Lord
Summary: Part IX: A Lot of Nonsense! The 7th angel attacks!...Eventually! Read and Review! If you don't review, READ. But if you don't read, don't review!
1. The Beginning

Hello everyone!!! *crickets* uhh.well I guess that that's ok.seeing as this is my first fanfic. But when I am famous, I will order all who didn't cheer for me to throw themselves of the nearest cliff, while holding scissors. And don't ask about that.I am usually random like that.  
  
I would like to warn you that there will be no Shinji-hating or any romance in these fanfics. So if you like that kinda stuff, then go somewhere else! And now, the moment none of you have been waiting for! The first installment of.  
  
NEON GENESIS: EVANGELION: THE SUPER DUPER HILAR-  
  
Oops.almost forgot the disclaimer.  
  
Disclaimer: I do own Evang-  
  
Anno: *ahem*  
  
Oh. Sorry Anno-sama.I do NOT own Evangelion. That would be so cool if I did though. Ok then, for real this time  
  
NEON GENESIS: EVANGELION: THE SUPER DUPER HILARIOUS NON-SHINJI-HATING EXTRAVAGANZA PART I: THE BEGINNING  
  
Some random guy was standing next to a bus stop, when he was shrouded in shadow. He looked up to see a giant foot hovering momentarily over his head. The man ran for his randomly dear life, just escaping the foot.  
  
Sachiel: Aw man.what did I step in? Hey! Its bubblegum! Mmm.cinnamon.  
  
+++WHEREVER THE UN PEOPLE ARE IN THE FIRST EPISODE+++  
  
UN guy #1: We must stop the monster! It will have destroyed the entire stash soon!  
  
UN guy #2: What are you talking about. We keep all of the stashes in the Geo-Front.  
  
#1: I don't mean a military stash! I mean my stash of gum!  
  
#2: .  
  
#1: I keep my stash on the streets, that way no one will find my mint condition collection.  
  
#2: How can that gum be mint condition? It was sitting on the street! It wasn't even in a wrapper! And who collects gum!!!  
  
#1: Not mint condition. MINT condition. They're all mint flavored.  
  
#2: But the angel just said that he was having cinnamon.  
  
#1: REALLY!?! MY GUM IS SAVED!! Ok, we don't have to kill the angel now.  
  
Sachiel: Mmm.mint.  
  
#1: MY COLLECTION!!! LAUNCH THE JETS! FIRE THE TANKS! RELEASE THE HOUNDS!!!  
  
Accountant: We don't have any tanks or jets. *under breath* Stupid budget cuts.  
  
#1: Release the hounds then!  
  
+++OUTSIDE+++  
  
The hounds were released. They plowed down the streets of Tokyo 3 in search of their prey. They rounded a corner and went up a hill. They might have noticed that they were climbing a strange hill, but they were dogs. They did however notice when a voice boomed from above.  
  
Sachiel: What the- Why did they release the hounds! I'm allergic to dogs! Couldn't they have launched the jets? Or at least fired the tanks? Man, I can't even get rid of these dogs. If I do animal activists will sue me!  
  
Luckily he didn't have to get rid of the dogs. When they realized that they were in fact on an angel's foot, they ran with their tails between their legs.  
  
Sachiel: Woo! I Win! *achoo* Oh crap. Now I'll be sneezing all day.  
  
Now, being an angel, Sachiel doesn't sneeze like a human. When Sachiel sneezes, he does his huge super-cross attack thing.(anyone know how to describe it better?)  
  
+++BACK WHEREVER THE UN PEOPLE ARE+++  
  
UN guy #3: Gah! The angel is attacking us!  
  
#2: No he isn't! He's just sneezing!  
  
#3: Oh fine. Just drop a handkerchief on him with one of our jets.  
  
#1: But we don't have any jets.  
  
#2: *whispering* Just ignore the plot hole and it'll go away.  
  
A jet flew over the angel and dropped an N2 mine on the angel.  
  
#3: What!?! I told you to drop a handkerchief on him! Not an N2 mine! They don't even sound alike!  
  
#1: Wait! It hasn't detonated!  
  
The N2 mine has dropped on Sachiel's head, leaving a large dent, but it doesn't detonate.  
  
Sachiel: OW! Now I'm mad! What have I done to you! All I've done is step on one of your bus stops! That's it!  
  
#1: And you've eaten our gum!!!  
  
(Can you guess who says this? Guess in your review and I'll mention your name in the next chapter if you're right!): .  
  
+++AT THE PHONE BOOTH WHERE SHINJI IS+++  
  
Shinji: Wow. The lady that was supposed to pick me up sure is late.  
  
*from a car parked on the side of the road* Misato: Wow. The kid I'm supposed to pick up sure is late.  
  
Shinji: I wonder where she could be.  
  
Misato: I wonder where he could be.  
  
Shinji/Misato: Maybe I should go to one of the shelters. Maybe I'll find her/him there.  
  
Misato, getting fed up, got out of her car and sat on the hood. Misato: Where the hell is he! Hearing her, Shinji looks at her and asks: Are you looking for someone too?  
  
Misato looks up: Yeah. I'm looking for a kid. He was supposed to meet me here half an hour ago.  
  
Shinji replies: Heh, that's strange. I'm looking for a woman who was supposed to meet ME here half an hour ago.  
  
Misato: Wow. Small world.  
  
Shinji/Misato: Hey. I wonder if you have seen her/him. Here's a pic.ture..  
  
Both pulled out the picture of the other and glancing at the picture to the person, realize they've found who they're looking for.  
  
Misato: Wow. Well.heh.uh.want to go?  
  
Shinji: Uhh.ok.  
  
They both get in the car. Shinji notices a little red button. He reaches for it, but his hand is pushed aside by Misato.  
  
Misato: Never, push the little red button.  
  
Shinji's eyes widen as Misato stares menacingly at him.  
  
+++THE UN PEOPLE.FOR THE LAST TIME.TRUST ME+++  
  
#2: We can't stop it!  
  
#3: Alright. We'll have to drop an N2 mine. For real this time.  
  
#1: But we don't have any-  
  
#2: I said ignore the plot hole!!!  
  
Technician: The bomb has been dropped. It has exploded! Uhh.oh crap.  
  
#3: Did we get it?  
  
Tech: That's just the problem. We've got another plot hole on our hands.  
  
The dust around the remains of Sachiel slowly rise.  
  
#1: Oh my god. Oh my god. Anno will be pissed!  
  
#2: Quiet! Ignore the plot holes!  
  
#3: I have the solution! Lets hand the operation over to NERV!  
  
+++THE GEO-FRONT+++  
  
Gendo: What's the situation?  
  
Makoto: Sachiel has been destroyed. The hounds have been released. And the third child is in Captain Katsuragi's possession.  
  
Gendo: Excellent. The scenario is playing out perfectly *folds hands in front of face Gendo-style*  
  
Fuyutski: What do you mean?  
  
Gendo: What do YOU mean? I said that we're in a lot of trouble.  
  
(it's the same mystery person as before! Try and guess!): .  
  
Aoba: What are your orders commander?  
  
Gendo: Dress Unit 00 in a Sachiel costume. Deploy it at the site of the bombing and have it clear the angel's remains.  
  
Fuytski: Why?  
  
Gendo: We need to stay to the script. It is part of the scenario.  
  
Maya: Unit 00 is at the site and is clearing the debris.  
  
Aoba: Captain Katsuragi has arrived with the third child.  
  
Gendo: Tell them to go to the Eva cages at once.  
  
+++EVA CAGES+++  
  
Shinji and Misato walked into the Eva cages. Shinji looked up at the purple beast (WHICH THE AUTHOR THINKS LOOKS HELLA TIGHT!).  
  
Shinj: So.why am I here?  
  
Misato: Do you know what your father does?  
  
Shinji: Well.I know that he's a jerk, he works for a secret organization called NERV, he hates it when people don't stick to the script or the scenario, and he loves to wear glitter.  
  
Gendo: *ahem* Please stay to the script!  
  
Shinji: Oh, right. CUT!  
  
Misato: *whispering* Shinji! This is a literary work! You can't cut and edit out the bloopers!  
  
Shinji: .so?  
  
Misato: CUT!  
  
+++EVA CAGES: TAKE 2+++  
  
Shinji and Misato walked into the Eva cages. Shinji looked up at the purple beast (WHICH THE AUTHOR THINKS LOOKS HELLA TIGHT!)  
  
Shinji: So.why am I here?  
  
Misato: Do you know what your father does?  
  
Shinji: My father? He's a jerk!  
  
Gendo: I heard that!  
  
Shinji: HEY! How come he gets to go off script!  
  
+++EVA CAGES: TAKE 3+++  
  
A/N to characters: If you go off script one more time I'll knock you out in a secretive way for the rest of the chapter.  
  
Shinji: Wow. What an uptight author.  
  
Suddenly, Eva 01 raised its arm and knocked Shinji unconscious.  
  
Gendo: HEY! How can we stay on script with the main character knocked out cold?  
  
Suddenly, Unit 00- I mean- Sachiel.started to attack the city. The resulting earthquakes caused some support beams to crash on Gendo's head, knocking him unconscious.  
  
Ritsuko: Hey. If those were support beams, then why isn't the roof collapsing?  
  
Ironically and suddenly, the roof collapsed on Ritsuko's head, knocking her unconscious.  
  
Misato: Wow. That was ironic.  
  
Suddenly, and once again, the roof collapsed on Misato's head, knocking her unconscious. Then the entire cast ran onstage to deliver first aid to their fallen comrades. Then the remainder of the roof collapsed on everyone's heads, causing them to be knocked unconscious.  
  
Wow. The entire cast has been knocked out for the rest of the chapter. I wonder how the author will handle this.  
  
A/N: Suddenly, the roof above the narrators head collapsed, knocking it unconscious.  
  
I hope everyone liked my first fanfic ever! Please review! And don't forget to tell me who you think the mystery person is!  
  
Is it:  
  
Fuyutski  
  
A moose  
  
The random guy from the bus stop  
  
UN guy #2  
  
Remember that I'll mention the name of anyone that got it right in the next chapter!  
  
: don't try and guess if I have already updated my chapter. But tell me what its like in the future! 


	2. Part II: The Second Part

Ooh goody! I can write in elvish!!! Hello! Sorry about the elvish. (God.I hope it stays when I upload this). I just downloaded it off the internet. And I apologize to those of you who can read it. Some of the letters aren't where they're supposed to be on the keyboard. Anyway.  
  
A/N: I do not own much of Evangelion.oh fine! I don't own any of Evangelion. And now for something completely different.  
  
ONLY 4 PEOPLE REVIEWED ME! 4!!! So I won't tell you who the mystery person is until I get at leas 7 more reviews! Sorry to those 4 that reviewed me. I'll mention your names as a sign of gratitude.  
  
Ryoshima  
  
Salazar Almighty  
  
JesterSage  
  
JonBob0008  
  
Thanks for your support. As for the rest of you! REVIEW!!!  
  
NEON GENESIS: EVANGELION: THE SUPER DUPER HILARIOUS NON-SHINJI-HATING EXTRAVAGANZA PART II: THE SECOND PART  
  
+++THE EVA CAGES: TAKE 4+++  
  
Shinji and Misato looked up at the giant purple instrument of doom.  
  
Misato: Do you know what your father does Shinji?  
  
Shinji: He works at McDonalds.  
  
Misato: Besides that.  
  
Shinji: uhh  
  
Misato: He's the head of a secret organization called NERV. We make giant robots like this one and then fight other giant things to save the world.  
  
Shinji: So what does that have to do with me?  
  
Misato: Remember the giant monster outside?  
  
Sachiel: Hey! That's not nice!  
  
Shinji: Yeah? You mean the one that was blown up by the plane?  
  
Sachiel: .  
  
Misato: Ignore the plot holes! Anyway, you see that giant purple robot?  
  
Shinji: Yeah? What about it?  
  
Misato: Well you're gonna pilot the robot and blow up the monster outside.  
  
Sachiel: What? Hey! That wasn't in my contract! I quit!  
  
Gendo: *sigh* Send Eva 00 out in the Sachiel costume.again.  
  
Shinji: What?! I have to pilot that thing? But I don't know how? And it's purple! Why purple?  
  
Gendo: Because purple is my favorite color.  
  
(Alrighty. This is the same mystery person as before. YOU HAD BETTER REVIEW THIS TIME!!!): .  
  
Shinji: Well I don't like it. So change the color or I will quit too.  
  
Gendo: *sigh* Go get Rei.  
  
Shinji: What?  
  
Gendo: You're quitting aren't you?  
  
Rei was wheeled in on her gurney.  
  
Shinji: Why are you gonna make her pilot it even though she's already damaged?  
  
Gendo: What are you talking about? She's going to change the Eva's color.  
  
Shinji: Really? Cool!  
  
Rei sat up and got off her gurney. She walked over to Eva and used her special magic Rei juju to change its color.  
  
Shinji: Oh my god! I can't pilot it like this!  
  
Gendo: *with an evil smile* What do you mean? What's wrong with it?  
  
Shinji: IT'S PINK!!!!  
  
Gendo: But I thought you didn't want it to be purple.  
  
Shinji: Purple is better than pink!  
  
Gendo: Alright then. Change it back Rei.  
  
Rei changed it back. Then she walked back to her gurney and lay down on it. But just then Eva 00 went beserk and started to tear the city to shreds. The resulting shock waves caused her gurney to tip over and for a portion of the roof to collapse on Shinji.  
  
Shinji: Hey Eva 01! I thought you were supposed to save me!  
  
Eva 01: I wanted to be pink!  
  
Shinji: Hey author! How come Eva doesn't have to stick to the script?  
  
Moose Lord: Have you ever tried arguing with an Eva before?!? If you don't see it their way they step on you!  
  
Shinji: Well I don't want to pilot it!  
  
Seddenly, part of the roof fell on-  
  
Shinji: OKAY!!! ILL PILOT IT! ILL PILOT IT!!!!!!!  
  
Moose Lord: I knew you would see it my way!  
  
+++EVA'S ENTRY PLUG+++  
  
Ritsuko: Alright Shinji. We're gonna fill the plug with LCL. It might scare you but it will help you to synchronize with Eva better. You'll be able to breath it though.  
  
Shinji: Gothca.  
  
The entry plug started to fill with LCL.  
  
Shinji: What the hell are you doing!?! Are you trying to drown me?  
  
(Guess who!): .  
  
Shinji: Woah. I can breath this stuff!  
  
(who do ya think?): O.o  
  
+++OUTSIDE+++  
  
Eva 00 dressed as Sachiel was on a rampage. Shinji just stood there.  
  
Shinji: How am I supposed to fight that thing!  
  
Misato: We have no clue. We thought you'd know how to.  
  
Shinji: What kind of Operations Commander are you?!?!  
  
Gendo: Shinji. If you beat that thing I'll give you a McDonalds coupon.  
  
Shinji: But I hate McDonalds.  
  
Gendo: Then I'll give you.uhh.*reluctantly* some of my glitter.  
  
Shinji: REALLY!? I'LL KILL THAT THING FOR YOU POPS!!  
  
Gendo: Just don't call me pops.  
  
+++3 HOURS LATER+++  
  
Shinji: Okay dad. Now that I have beaten the angel/Eva-  
  
Gendo: Ignore the plot holes!!!  
  
Shinji: Oh. Right. Well now that I've beaten "Sachiel" can I have some of that glitter you promised?  
  
Gendo: Weird. I almost heard quotations marks around Sachiel. Well here you go.  
  
Gendo pulled a box out of his pocket and opened it. He took a pinch of the glitter within and sprinkeled it into Shinji's outstretched hands.  
  
Shinji: *giggles* Yes my precious.  
  
Shinji proceeded to smear the glitter onto his cheeks. You know.the way that some girls do.I've never understood that.  
  
Fuyutski: So commander. How are we going to battle the angels without Eva 00?  
  
Gendo: Just ignore the plot holes my friend.just ignore the plot holes. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++  
  
YAY! The End.  
  
I hope you all review. If you don't review I'll kill all of you that didn't. And don't forget to guess who the mystery person is.  
  
The possible choices are:  
  
UN guy #2  
  
A moose  
  
The random guy from the bus stop  
  
Fuyutski  
  
I'll mention the name of whoever gets it right!  
  
=Note to the future: Hi people of the future! If I have already updated don't bother guessing. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T REVIEW! Just tell me what its like in the future.= 


	3. Part III: IGNORE THE PLOT HOLES!

A/N: Hello again! Sorry about the delay. I had to write an essay for my honors English class. (evil!!!). Well..uhh.oh yeah!  
  
The Mystery Person is! *drumroll* A MOOSE!!!  
  
Frankly I'm disappointed that not everyone got that. I mean, all you had to do was look at my name. Well, as promised I'll mention the names of those amazing people that got it right!  
  
All Hail!!: JonBob0008  
  
JesterSage  
  
BOW BEFORE THEIR INTELLECTUAL GREATNESS!!!!  
  
Enough of that.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Eva. And I haven't seen the series in about a year so lots of my stuff may be inaccurate.  
  
NEON GENESIS: EVANGELION: THE SUPER DUPER HILARIOUS NON-SHINJI-HATING EXTRAVAGANZA PART III: IGNORE THE PLOT HOLES!!!  
  
+++SCHOOL+++  
  
Random kid #1: Did you hear about the knew kid?  
  
Random kid #2: What about him?  
  
Random kid #1: His dad works at the Mc Donald's down the street.  
  
Random kid #3: Really? Lets go see if we can get coupons!  
  
#1 and #2: O_o  
  
#3: What?  
  
#1: I can't believe that you would eat willingly at a Mc Donald's!  
  
#2: Neither can I.  
  
#4: Hi everyone!  
  
#1: Most of their meat is undercoocked.  
  
#4: Who's meat?  
  
#2: And have you ever been in their bathrooms?  
  
#4: I like bathrooms.  
  
Moose: O.o ..  
  
#3: I guess you're right.  
  
#1: Hey! A moose!  
  
The kids crowd around the moose.  
  
#4: Are you going to pay any attention to me at all?  
  
Kids pay no attention at all.  
  
#4: Hmm.I know! Have you heard about the knew kid?  
  
All the kids: What about him?  
  
#4: He's..uhh.umm.an.ev.ang.el.yon..pilot..  
  
#2: Really? Evas are so cool!  
  
#4: What's an Eva? I just made it up off the top of my head.  
  
Everyone ignores him and they gather around Shinji.  
  
(A/N: Yes.Im actually going to include Shinji for those of you who were getting bored of the random kids.)  
  
Toji, Rei, and Kensuke are sitting alone in a corner.  
  
Toji: zzzzz  
  
Kensuke: Hey Toji! Wake up! You've got to lead you're script!  
  
Toji: .  
  
Rei: Why'd he stop snoring?  
  
Kensuke: Oh my God!!! He's dead!  
  
Rei: Oh.  
  
Kensuke: What are we going to do?  
  
Rei: Ignore the plot holes.  
  
Kensuke: That's right!  
  
Kensuke uses his hand to represent Toji and says Toji's lines as if the hand was.  
  
Kensuke's hand: So he's an Eva pilot. Whoop de doo.  
  
Kensuke: If you're mad at him because of your sister then you should beat him up.  
  
Rei: Hey! That's not how the script goes!  
  
Kensuke: IGNORE THE PLOT HOLES!  
  
Rei: But this is a non-shinji-hating story!  
  
Hand: Well I think Shinji should be beaten up.  
  
Kensuke: I agree. So HA! Majority rules!  
  
Rei mumbles and grumbles.  
  
+++SCHOOL YARD+++  
  
(A/N: The next scene where Shinji is beaten up by Toji, AKA Kensuke's hand, can't appear in this fan fiction because it is a non-shinji- hating story.)  
  
+++OUTSIDE+++  
  
Shinji: I must run away! I must run away!  
  
Gendo: IGNORE THE PLOTHOLES!  
  
(A/N: Oops, too far. ^_^;;)  
  
+++EVA CAGES+++  
  
Misato: Finally you're here Shinji! Now get in Eva and kill that angel.  
  
Shamshel: I have a name you know.  
  
Misato: Woah. Angels can talk?  
  
Gendo: Ignore the plot holes.  
  
Shamshel: Sachiel was right! I quit!  
  
Gendo: What was Sachiel right about?  
  
Moose: .  
  
Gendo: *sigh* Launch Eva 00 in the Shamshel costume.  
  
Fuyutski: I'm sorry sir. But the Shamshel costume only fits Eva 01  
  
Gendo: Ignore the plot holes.  
  
+++Outside+++  
  
Eva 00 is in an Eva 01 costume and is being piloted by Rei in a Shinji costume. Eva 01 is in a Shamshel costume and Shinji is sitting this one out.  
  
Shinji: I must run away, I must run away.  
  
Gendo: IGNORE THE PLOT HOLES!!!  
  
Fuyutski: We've already covered them up.  
  
Gendo: Then ignore them!  
  
Moose: .  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++  
  
I have to end this installment here. I'm really tired. And I have to ignore the plot holes or Gendo will kill me.  
  
Note: evapilot260- I think that it's spelled George Clooney. I could be wrong though.  
  
JesterSage- I don't have any self-inserts.at least.not intentionally.  
  
ANOTHER COMPETITION!  
  
If you count up the # of times that the phrase "Ignore the plot holes" is said, and you get it right, I'll mention your name. Now start counting!!! 


	4. Part IV: The Hedge's Dillema

Hi Again! Its been a really long time and I'm really really sorry. Life's been really hectic. This is the first time in a while that I've had time to myself. So don't kill me!  
  
Okay. Now about the plot holes that need to be ignored. I counted just now. And I got *drumroll* ...... 13!  
  
The people that guessed correctly are: Jimbob  
  
WOAH! Only 1 person got it right!?! Uhh....how many of you passed kindergarten?  
  
Now to respond to reviews: Phantom reveiewer~ No. I'm not trying to make Shinji gay. Or am I? MUAHAHAHHA! Seriously though, I'm not. Like I said I was incredibly tired.  
  
rika~ Yes. I wholeheartedly agree with you.  
  
Now that that's over with...On with the disclaimer! I do not own Evangelion, only the right to make a satire. (actually, I prefer the word spoof).  
  
And now........The moment you have all been waiting for...........  
  
THE SUPER DUPER HILARIOUS NONSHINJIHATING SPOOF: CHAPTER 4: THE HEDGE'S DILLEMA  
  
+++THE APARTMENT+++  
  
Misato: Shinji. I'm very disappointed in you for not following my orders. I mean, when I want a pepperoni pizza, I want a pepperoni pizza. Not a vegetable pizza.  
  
Shinji: I was in the middle of a battling an angel! Of course I misheard you!  
  
Misato: But you didn't follow my orders in a battle. That gives me the right to punish you.  
  
Shinji: This isn't a punishment! This is slave labor!  
  
Misato: Trimming the hedges isn't exactly slave labor.  
  
Shinji: But everytime I cut something! I have to cut another place to even it out. Then I have to cut the first place again to even it out! Then I have to cut the second place to even it....Are you even listening to me?!?!  
  
Misato wanders back into the building, completely ignoring Shinji.  
  
Shinji: That's it! I'm running away!  
  
Shinji throws down his trimming sheers in frustration and turns to run away, but he trips over the hedges. Shinji slowly gets up and decides to walk away instead.  
  
+++AT KENSUKE'S CAMP OUT+++  
  
Kensuke jumps out from behind a bush (actually a hedge) wielding a stick and points it menacingly at Shinji.  
  
Kenuske: Who goes there!  
  
Shinji: Shinji.  
  
Kensuke: Well in that case...  
  
Kensuke starts using his hand to represent Toji again.  
  
Hand: I'm going to beat you up.  
  
Shinji: But we're supposed to be friends now! And this is a non-Shinji- hating story! And why are you going to beat me up this time?!  
  
Kensuke: First of all: Ignore the plot holes. Second of all...  
  
Hand: I vote we should beat Shinji up.  
  
Kensuke: Me too. Ha! Majority rules! Third of all: Because last time it was Toji that beat you up. I want to now. Afterwards we can be friends.  
  
(A/N: Due to graphic Shinji-hating, the rest of this scene is going to be fastforwarded.)  
  
+++KENSUKE'S CAMP+++  
  
Mysterious people rise from behind the hedges.  
  
NERV #1: Spike Speagle?  
  
Shinji: Uhh. It's Shinji Ikari.  
  
#1: Opps. Hehe. Wrong script. *ahem* Shinji Ikari?  
  
Shinji: Yes?  
  
#2: You're going to come with us.  
  
Shinji: How about I don't and we just ignore the plot holes?  
  
#3: I'm sorry. Your father told us that this time we are not supposed to ignore them. After we bring you back to NERV we have to start ignoring them again.  
  
Shinji: Ok then.  
  
Shinji and the 3 NERV personel disappear behind the hedges.  
  
+++NERV+++  
  
Shinji: I don't want to pilot Eva anymore.  
  
Gendo: Okay then. We'll just have to ignore a really big plot hole. Good bye.  
  
Ritsuko: Don't you think that this is a mistake?  
  
Misato: No. He has the Hedge dilemma.  
  
Ritsuko: *spsssst* It's the Hedgehog's dilemma.  
  
Misato: The more we cut off of the hedge, the more we have to cut off to make it even.  
  
Maya: That's way out of context. And what the heck are you trying to say?  
  
Misato: That the more hair we cut off his head, the more we have to cut off to make it even.  
  
Moose:.............  
  
Misato: By the way? What's a moose doing down here in NERV?  
  
Gendo: Its our mascot.  
  
Misato: I though that the leaf on our logo was our mascot.  
  
Gendo: Ignore the plot holes! And make sure the moose has water.  
  
+++A TRAIN STATION+++  
  
Shinji: I hate trains. Couldn't I Just take a plane instead? Or a helicopter? Or what about Eva?  
  
#1: No.  
  
Shinji: Well I'd rather pilot Eva than ride a train. So I'll go back to NERV.  
  
+++BACK AT NERV+++  
  
Shinji: Hey everyone! I've decided I'd rather stay here!  
  
Misato: Because you think that this is your home?  
  
Shinji: No. Because I hate trains.  
  
Everyone sweat drops.  
  
Gendo: Fuyutski. Destroy the replacement.  
  
Fuyutski walks over to an inflatable Shinji and is about to puncture it when Gendo stops him.  
  
Gendo: Wait. Let me say good bye. I'll miss you Inflatable Shinji. You're like the son I never had.  
  
Shinji: What? What about me!  
  
Gendo: Alright. Commence destruction.  
  
_____________________________________________________THE END______________________________________________  
  
TADA!! What did you think? REVIEW! And if you are 100% sure (or even 0% sure) that I counted wrong on the "ignore the plot holes", then you can put that in your review. I'll apologize next chapter. BYE! 


	5. Part V: Rei 0

Yeah yeah, I know. It's been a while. Life has gotten even more hectic than it was before. But I think it'll be back to normal soon.  
  
Now to respond to my reviewers!  
  
Itchy~ Sorry. Let's just say that you did get that right then. I'll be clearer next time.  
  
Macro~ Neither did I! That's why I wrote this. Everyone seems to pick on Shinji-Fans. (  
  
Hooray! I just bought the Evangelion Box Set! Yay to me! So expect my stories to be a little more accurate from now on.  
  
Lets get this show on the road! Standard disclaimer: The only character that I own is the Moose. Everyone and everything else belongs to Gainax.  
  
THE SUPER DUPER HILARIOUS NONSHINJIHATING SPOOF: Chapter 5: Rei 0  
  
+++22 DAYS AGO+++  
  
Gendo: Begin activation.  
  
The Eva whirred to life.  
  
Ritsuko: Everything is going fine.  
  
Maya: Wait! The nerve links are flowing backwards!  
  
Ritsuko: Unit 0 is out of control!  
  
The Eva broke free of it's restraints and started to flail it's arms. It made noises that sounded vaguely like speech.  
  
Eva 00: I WANT MY PAYCHECK!!!  
  
Gendo: Cut the main power supply!  
  
Maya: It switched to backup power! 35 seconds till it shutsdown! Rei, keep your hands and feet inside the entry plug until it comes to a complete stop!  
  
+++AT THE ENTRY PLUG+++  
  
Gendo: Rei! Are you all right?  
  
Rei: Oh, I'm fine. No problems here!  
  
Gendo: But didn't the Eva just go beserk, forcing you to eject the entry plug, resulting in you falling hundreds of feet from the ceiling?  
  
Rei: Oh yeah. Now I remember! Give me a moment please...Ok...ask if I'm alright.  
  
Gendo: Uhh...ok...Rei! Are you all right?  
  
Rei: What do you think!?! The Eva just went beserk, forcing me to eject the entry plug resulting in me falling hundreds of feet from the ceiling!  
  
The Moose: -.-;;  
  
+++PRESENT+++  
  
Ritsuko: Rei Ayanami, the designated pilot for Evangelion Unit 00.  
  
Misato: So, do we have any idea why the Eva went beserk?  
  
Ritsuko: It apparently wanted something. At the time I remember that it yelled something that sounded like: "I want my paycheck."  
  
Gendo: No it didn't! Why are you looking at me like that! Of course I've been paying the Eva! Who said anything about secret police?!?  
  
The Moose: ....  
  
Ritsuko: Uhh...of course.  
  
+++REI"S APARTMENT+++  
  
Shinji approaches Rei's door. He was asked by Ritsuko to deliver Rei's new NERV ID card.  
  
Shinji: Hello? Are you home.  
  
No answer.  
  
Shinji: I'm coming in! I'm here to deliver your new NERV ID card!  
  
Shinji walks in. The room is a mess. The mail is piled up on the floor. Shinji crosses to the other side of the room and sees a pair of broken glasses lying on a dresser. He hears a sound behind him. And looks up to see Rei in a hippo suit.  
  
Shinji: Uhh...Rei?  
  
Rei: Yes?  
  
Shinji: Why are you in a hippo suit?  
  
Rei: This is a very popular trend. I am trying to look cool in order to get friends.  
  
Shinji: Uhh...Right. Well here's your ID card.  
  
Shinji walks over to hand Rei her ID card, but trips on the mail that mysteriously crossed the room. Shinji accidentally spears Rei with the card.  
  
Shinji: Omg, omg, omg! What am I going to do! I just killed Rei! Hmm what would Togi do?  
  
The scene becomes wavy and fades to Obi-Wan Kenobi.  
  
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Luke.  
  
Shinji: Oops, wrong channel.  
  
Scene becomes wavy again and fades to Kensuke.  
  
Kensuke: Woah! Shinji! What are you doing here?  
  
Shinji: I'm here to talk to Togi.  
  
Kensuke: Oh, right. *ahem*  
  
Kensuke's hand: Use your hand Shinji.  
  
The scene becomes wavy a third time and fades back to Rei's apartment.  
  
Shinji: Of course!  
  
Shinji's hand: Thank you. Now get lost.  
  
Shinji: Ok. Bye.  
  
Hand: Bye.  
  
+++ON THE WAY TO MISATO"S APARTMENT+++  
  
Shinji: Uhh...Rei? Why are you following me?  
  
Rei: Because I'm attached to you. Get used to it.  
  
Shinji: I bet Kensuke doesn't have to put up with this.  
  
+++KENSUKE"S BATHROOM+++  
  
Kensuke's in the shower having a conversation with his han- *ahem* I mean...Togi.  
  
Kensuke: Togi, can't I get some privacy?  
  
Togi: Never! I will forever invade your privacy! When you are grounded, I'll be there! When you go on your first date, I'll be there! When you get married, I'll be there! When you sleep, I'll be there! When you jack-  
  
Kensuke: HEY! THIS SPOOF IS RATED G!!! YOU CAN'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!!  
  
Togi: Oops, sorry.  
  
+++THE END+++  
  
Did that seem short to you? It did to me?  
  
Oh well.  
  
Next chapter: REI SQUARED 


	6. Part VI: Rei Squared

Yeah...I know...its been a really long time. Well, I recently bought End of Evangelion! Now all that I have to do is buy the director's cut and then my collection will be complete!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ahem  
  
Ok...on with the story. But first!: I do not own Evangelion and I never will. sob  
  
THE SUPER DUPER HILARIOUS NON-SHINJI-HATING SPOOF: Chapter 6: Rei Squared  
  
THE BRIDGE  
  
Makoto: We've picked up and energy signal! Pattern Blue! It's an angel!  
  
Misato: That looks like a wooden block to me.  
  
Ritsuko: Misato, do you notice that it's shiny?  
  
Misato: Yes.  
  
Ritsuko: And that Makoto just said that it's an angel?  
  
Misato: Yes.  
  
Ritsuko: Then why would you think that it's a wooden block?  
  
Misato: Yes.  
  
Ritsuko: Misato? Are you feeling all right?  
  
Misato: Yes.  
  
Ritsuko: Maya. Send the Magi all of Misato's current behavioral patterns. See what they think about this.  
  
Misato: Yes.  
  
Shinji: Shouldn't we be worrying about the angel?  
  
Misato: Yes.  
  
Ritsuko: No. This is more important.  
  
Misato: Yes.  
  
Maya: "The Magi have determined that Misato's mind has switched to a child like state. This change was triggered by the angel looking like a wooden block." Wow...you'd think that the Magi would describe the angel better than "the angel looking like a wooden block."  
  
Misato: Yes.  
  
Shinji: Well I don't care. I'm going to go and stop the angel.  
  
Misato: Yes.  
  
OUTSIDE  
  
Shinji: Wow...that angel looks like a wooden block.  
  
Makoto over intercom: Dodge Shinji!  
  
Misato over intercom: Yes.  
  
Shinji: What? AAAHG!  
  
The angel that looks like a wooden block fired its super beam weapon thing at Shinji, who screamed in response.  
  
Shinji: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA inhale AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
Ristuko: Retrieve him!  
  
DARK AND SCARY CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
Ritsuko: Because Misato is in psycho-therapy right now, I will take over her using my hand. ahem  
  
Ritsuko's hand: Using the data we collected by allowing the angel to destroy our useless junk, like the 1/1 scale model of Unit 01, I have made a plan of ultimate coolness. We'll place Eva Unit 01 on top of a mountain and give it a super gun that is basically the exact same thing as the angel's super-beam weapon, and the two of them will have a shoot out.  
  
Ritsuko: But that will require huge amounts of energy!  
  
Hand: Yes. I know. And we'll get it from Japan!  
  
Aoba: What?!? How do you propose to do that?  
  
Hand: We'll go to eBay and buy lots of gigantic power cables. Then we'll connect them to all the power sources in Japan.  
  
Maya: Where will we get the super gun thing?  
  
Hand: eBay. Oh, By the way. We only have 9 hours to do all of it.  
  
silence  
  
Hand: Well, what are you waiting for?  
  
HOSPITAL  
  
Shinji was lying in bed. Rei walked in pushing a cart with food on it.  
  
Shinji: Wait...didn't I kill Rei?  
  
Rei: Yes. I am Rei Squared. I am a clone of Rei 0.  
  
Shinji: What? I don't understand.  
  
Rei: I know. You won't find out until Episode 23.  
  
Shinji: Oh. Alright.  
  
Rei: Here's your new plug suit.  
  
Shinji: Do I have to pilot Eva again?  
  
Rei: If you don't I will. Dr. Akagi is prepared to rewrite our personal files.  
  
Shinji: Ritsuko? sigh Fine. I'll do it.  
  
Rei: Yes! The guilt-trick works every time!  
  
Shinji: Wha-  
  
Rei: Never mind. Be at the Eva cage at 10:30.  
  
ON TOP OF A RANDOM BUILDING  
  
Boy: Are you sure they're coming?  
  
Kensuke: I'm sure.  
  
The Eva's appeared randomly just then. The boys yelled and screamed supportively. Then the Eva's drew unnervingly close.  
  
Boy: Uhh...are they supposed to get so unnervingly close?  
  
Kensuke: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!  
  
The Eva's stepped on the building, crushing a few of the boys, including Toji.  
  
Kensuke: My hand! AAAAAAAAAA  
  
Boy: Isn't that Toji?  
  
Kensuke: Oh...right...TOJI!! NOOOOOOO!!! underbreath ow...  
  
Shinji: Oops...  
  
The Moose: -.-;;;  
  
ON TOP OF THE EVA'S ON SOME RANDOM MOUNTAIN  
  
Shinji: So...Rei squared...how's life?  
  
Rei: ...  
  
Shinji: ...  
  
Rei: ...  
  
Shinji: How about this weather?  
  
Rei: ...  
  
Shinji: ...  
  
Rei: It's time.  
  
ENTRY PLUG  
  
Shinji: Wait...I don't know how to fire this!  
  
Ritsuko's hand over intercom: sigh Just pull the trigger.  
  
Shinji: Oh...ok.  
  
Hand over intercom: I said pull the trigger!  
  
Shinji: Oh...right.  
  
Makoto over intercom: There's a high energy reading coming from the angel!  
  
Hand over intercom: No!  
  
The angel and Shinji fired at the same time. They're super beam things...of doom swerved off to the side.  
  
Hand over intercom: Did we miss?  
  
Maya over intercom: What do you think?!?  
  
Ritsuko over intercom: Hurry up and re-charge!  
  
Shinji: It's firing again!  
  
The angel fired, but the super beam thingy...of doom, was stopped by Rei's Eva, holding a space shuttle.  
  
Hand over intercom: Rei! Put that down! You don't know where it's been!  
  
Rei over intercom: But I was ordered to protect Ikari!  
  
Shinji: Hurry up! Recharge!  
  
Makoto over intercom: 10 more seconds!  
  
Hand over intercom: Just pull the trigger.  
  
Shinji: Really? Ok.  
  
Shinji pulled the trigger, the gun fired, the angel died, and the action scene was over.  
  
Shinji: REI!  
  
UNIT 00'S ENTRY PLUG  
  
Shinji: Rei!  
  
Rei: Shinji?  
  
Hand over intercom: Rei! Shinji!  
  
Rei: Misato?  
  
Hand over intercom: No, Ritsuko's hand!  
  
Shinji: Ritsuko's hand?  
  
Hand over intercom: Uhh...Misato.  
  
Rei: Intercom?  
  
Shinji: Rei! Don't say goodbye before a mission. Its just too sad. And tell me if you're going to protect me like that. I almost had a heart attack.  
  
Rei: Shinji?  
  
Shinji: Yeah?  
  
Rei: Just ignore the plot holes.  
  
Shinji: Ok.  
  
The Moose: What?...the crap?  
  
THE END!!!  
  
Yeah...so...  
  
This week is finals week, so I probably won't have anything up until next week...  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: MISATO SQUARED 


	7. Part VII: Misato Squared

Yes it has been a while I know. Time to update: I have the Director's cut! Woot! I also held an Evangelion marathon where I watched the entire series. It was really long. Well...that's about it.  
  
Disclaimer: It is time to disclaim that I won't claim to claim any material that Hideaki Anno claims to own. Did you get that? Good.  
  
THE SUPER DUPER HILARIOUS NON-SHINJI-HATING SPOOF: Chapter 7: Misato Squared  
  
GENDO'S SCARY ROOM  
  
Gendo: It seems that I owe you once again.  
  
Man on phone: That won't be necessary.  
  
Gendo: The government will soon be proceeding with legal action, but that won't be a problem.  
  
Man on phone: Wait...that was my line.  
  
Gendo: sigh How many times do I have to say it? Ignore the plot holes.  
  
Man on phone: Fine. Ignore this plot hole!  
  
The strange man suddenly hung up. Gendo smiled and hung up his phone. Then he posed. You know...that scary Gendo pose? The one that Gendo does so well? Yeah. That one.  
  
Gendo: All goes according to the scenario.  
  
MISATO'S APARTMENT  
  
There was toast in a Toaster. The toast popped out And music played.  
  
Yay! I can write Haiku!  
  
But it wasn't any ordinary music. It was chibby, happy, anime morning music.  
  
Shinji: Where is that music coming from?  
  
Suddenly Misato popped out from behind a door.  
  
Misato: If there's one thing I've learned from working at NERV, it's to ignore the plot holes.  
  
Then she saw the toaster.  
  
Misato: It looks like a wooden block to me. [If you don't get this joke re- read chapter 6]  
  
Shinji: OH NO!  
  
Misato: Yes.  
  
Shinji rushed to the phone and called Ritsuko.  
  
Shinji: Hello, Ritsuko? She's doing it again.  
  
Ritsuko on phone: Didn't I tell you to remove all rectangular prisms from your house?  
  
Shinji: I tried to, but I need to make toast! There's nothing else in the house that isn't instant food!  
  
Ritsuko over phone: I see. Well we'll just have to replace her.  
  
Shinji: What?  
  
But Ritsuko had already hung up. And suddenly, Misato fell to the ground, dead as a doornail.  
  
Shinji: What is going on here?  
  
Then the door bell rang and Kensuke burst through the door.  
  
Kensuke: Come on Shinji! We're going to be late for school.  
  
Kensuke's stub for a hand...I mean Toji: Bye Misato!  
  
Misato's corpse: Yes...  
  
AT SCHOOL  
  
A car was speeding about 50 mph over the limit, when it suddenly made a sharp turn and parked perfectly in the space closest to the building. And out stepped...  
  
Shinji: MISATO?!?!  
  
Misato: Hi Shinji! I'm Misato Squared! I'm a clone of Misato, but you won't understand until episode 23! I've also got someone else here with me.  
  
And out stepped...  
  
Kensuke's stub of a hand: TOJI?!?!  
  
Toji: Hi! I'm Toji squared! I'm a clone of Toji, but you won't understand until Episode 23! I've also got someone else here with me.  
  
And out stepped...  
  
Kensuke: MY HAND?!??!  
  
Hand [in sign-language]: Hi! I'm Kensuke's Hand Squared! I'm a clone of Kensuke's hand, but you won't understand until Episode 23!  
  
Shinji: Wait...If that's Toji down there, and that's Toji next to Kensuke, then which one is the real Toji?  
  
Kensuke: Well...you see. There's a funny story about that.  
  
MISATO'S APARTMENT THE NEXT DAY  
  
There was toast in a Toaster. The toast popped out And music played.  
  
Yay! I can write Haiku!  
  
But it wasn't any ordinary music. It was chibby, happy, anime morning music.  
  
Shinji: Where is that music coming from?  
  
Suddenly Misato popped out from behind a door.  
  
Misato: If there's one thing I've learned from working at NERV, it's to ignore the plot holes.  
  
Shinji: Uhh...Misato?  
  
Misato: Yes Shinji?  
  
Shinji: Why are you all dressed up like that?  
  
Misato: Oh. I have to go somewhere.  
  
Shinji: Oh...Really?  
  
AT A RANDOMLY LARGE BUILDING IN OLD TOKYO  
  
Some dude: Step right up! Step right up to see the amazing Jet Alone! Watch as it actually walks!  
  
Misato: Why am I suddenly reminded of a carnival?  
  
Ritsuko: I have no idea, but I have a sudden urge to pay money so I can throw a ring around a stake to win prizes.  
  
Some dude: That's down the block on your right. Step right up! Step right up to see the amazing Jet Alone.  
  
Techie of randomness #1: Wait something's wrong.  
  
Some dude: Well fix it.  
  
Techie of randomness #2: It's not working!  
  
Some dude: Oh my god! IT'S OUT OF CONTROL!!!  
  
Misato: Stop complaining. Even I know how to fix this. All you have to do is have Shinji blow it up.  
  
Some dude: Oh. That works.  
  
Misato: Shinji. Get to you're Eva right now!  
  
Shinji on phone: Why? Is it an angel?  
  
Misato: Uhh...I guess you could say that.  
  
Shinji: Where is it! Bring it on!  
  
Misato: That was fast. Its over there.  
  
As Shinji ran off to defeat the J.A. Ritsuko came back with a stuffed animal.  
  
Ritsuko: So. Are you ignoring the plot hole?  
  
Misato: Yep!  
  
Ritsuko: Excellent.  
  
Misato: Hey. Who's that stuffed animal for?  
  
Ritsuko: Oh...it's not for Gendo. What are you talking about? Who said anything about hot passionate se-  
  
Misato: Hey! This story is PG!  
  
Just then Shinji destroyed the giant robot. And as punishment for almost raising the rating, a giant piece of debris crushed Ritsuko.  
  
THE END!!!  
  
This time you people have to actually review. When I don't get any reviews I feel like no one reads my story! And then I get sad!  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: ASUKA MEETS WORLD 


	8. Part VIII: Auska Meets World

Well guess what! It has almost been two years since the creation of this fan-fiction. And after 1 year, 6 months, and 9 days, I officially resurrect this fan-fiction!

You are all, no doubt, impressed. And in this huge expanse of time, do not worry, for I have not forgotten to label my stories with the usual disclaimer.

ahem I do not own any rights to Evangelion. I do, however, own the Evangelion DVD box set. Now worship me!

And so begins…or…continues the story.

NEON GENESIS: EVANGELION: THE SUPER DUPER HILARIOUS NON-SHINJI-HATING EXTRAVAGANZA PART VIII: Auska Meets World

THE DOCKS+

Toji: Well it's about time you stupid author! I spent most of this series backstage waiting to be reincarnated. But as soon as I'm brought back, you take a two year vacation!

Author: You'd better watch it or the next time we see you, your name will be Toji Cubed! (Read the previous installments!)

Toji: I'll be good.

Kensuke's ha-I mean Toji: Hey, if he's here, then I'm out of a job!

Author: That's right. You're Kensuke's hand again! No longer Toji. Get used to it or…you know what, I'm not going to repeat myself.

Kensuke: Well, at risk of being killed and replaced, I must say that I don't like your taste in scenery Author. Why do you call this "The Docks." There are several docks, and you make it sound like the reader should already know where we are, even though we've never been here before.

Gendo: Ignore the plot holes!

Shinji: Wait, you're not even supposed to be in this episode!

Misato: I think we should get going. We don't want to be replaced…again…

Kaji: That's a good idea.

Ah. Hello. I'm the narrator. You might have seen me in other installments of this fanfiction as the narrator, or maybe even the narrator. This is my first line in…forever! So here it goes. ahem

Misato quickly slaps Kaji.

Misato: Get the hell out! You're not supposed to be here yet!

Gendo and Kaji: Ignore the plot holes.

Shinji: Wow. It's like they're the same person.

Kensuke: Let's just move along. I think I see the Author preparing the cloning tank.

Toji: The what?

Kensuke's hand: Shh! We're not supposed to know about that until Episode 23. Actually, our character never finds out about it!

Kensuke: Oh, right.

Moose (That's right, the moose is back): …

Rei: I suggest that we move along.

Shinji: You're not in this episode either!

And thusly, the Author faceplants.

BOAT+

Kensuke: Once again. I believe that this is a sucky name for a scene. I mean, this is a naval warship, not a boat.

Captain: I resent that. This navy has nothing to do with belly buttons. In fact, it is our mission to destroy them.

Rei: But you yourself posses a belly button.

Captain: What I do? Well then I'll have to kill it!

The Captain pulls out a knife and starts jabbing at his navel, but somehow always misses.

Misato: Wait…he misses his belly button.

That's what I just said.

Misato: He hasn't killed it, how can he miss it?

Shinji: No, he isn't pining for it. The narrator means that he swung and the blade did not make contact. Though it seems he managed to get his chest.

Captain: Ow. That hurt. I'll teach you to make me injure myself!

Toji: Can we just get on with this?

Auska: Yes! Lets move on to the part where I marry Kaji.

Shinji: First of all, that doesn't happen ever in this series. Secondly, who are you? I've never seen you before.

Auska: It says my name right next to this line that I'm saying right now.

Shinji: A-…Au-…Owska?

Auska quickly slaps Shinji.

Auska: It's pronounced Auska!

Shinji: I'm sorry, could you spell it phonetically?

Kensuke: Come on Shinji, it's not that hard. Repeat after me. Aaaahhhska.

Shinji: Auuuuwwska.

Toji: Lets move on.

Captain (in mid-knife-swing): Hey, look at that. It appears there is an Angel approaching!

Misato: Who would have ever thought that this would happen?

Everyone raises their hand.

Misato: Damn, I knew I should have read the script.

Gendo: So it's your fault we've been having all these plot hole problems?

Misato: Don't hurt me!

Gendo: No. I want to thank you. You're making my plan move along much quicker than I had dreamed. But you won't know what I'm talking about until some future episode.

Shinji: Um, what about the Angel?

Auska: I know what to do!

Misato: Shut up and listen to my plan.

Auska: You don't have a plan! You never read the script.

Misato: Or did I? Oh, I guess I didn't.

Auska grabs Shinji and runs off to Eva Unit 02.

EVA UNIT 02+

Auska: Ok Shinji, get in.

Shinji: Why do you get a red Eva while I'm stuck with purple.

Gendo: Because…umm…Actually, that's a good question.

Auska: I beat the technicians up until they gave me the color I wanted.

Shinji: Now why didn't I think of that?

Auska: Just get in!

OCEAN+

Shinji and Auska decide to take matters into their own hands and jump into the ocean to deal with the Angel. Only after they are in the water do they realize that Eva's can't swim.

Kensuke: BE MORE CREATIVE AUTHOR! AAAAH!

Author: This is your last warning.

Auska: Why is it that this hundred billion dollar killing machine can't swim but that guy can?

Shinji: If I've learned anything, its to ignore the plot holes.

Auska: Well, somehow we've managed to end up in the Angel, the battleships are in place, and all we need to do now is open the Angel's mouth.

This is true.

Shinji: Well, at this point I usually stop doing everything and wait for the plot holes to kill the Angel.

Auska: Well, if a plot hole is anything like a black hole, and we're inside the Angel, my college degree tells me that we're going to die with the Angel.

College degree: That's right! I know all!

Auska: Maybe we just need to make it vomit.

Shinji: Hmm…what's the one thing that will make anyone vomit?

Shinji and Auska: Paris Hilton!

THE DOCKS+

Misato: Wow you guys. That was brilliant. You managed to kill the 6th Angel, as well as they mysterious 6th and ½ Angel, Paris Hilton!

Shinji: What can we say.

Auska: I'm just that awesome.

THE END!

Now celebrate my glorious return by re-reading all of the previous chapters and also reviewing whenever possible.


	9. Part IX: A Lot of Nonsense!

So, I'm sticking around this time. I got some reviews that I'll reply to now.

RahXephon Good point. And just for you, I'm going to swap up my format. You'd better appreciate this. This mean's the story will no longer look like a script, or like it was written by a n00b. Of course this mean's It'll take twice as long to write a chapter, what with the paragraphs and all. Oh well, it's all for the betterment of the story. This is one time where ignoring the plot holes WON'T help me out!

Naon Tiotami It's great to hear from the future! I wish I was there. Also, parts I-VII were written when I was still a n00b. That's my excuse for the grammar/spelling mistakes.

And now that that's taken care of, welcome to the new, non-n00b-ish story!

Standard disclaimer: The Evangelion that I do not own is not mine, and I make no claims to own that which I do not have.

NEON GENESIS: EVANGELION: THE SUPER DUPER HILARIOUS NON-SHINJI-HATING SPOOF (NOW WITHOUT N00B) PART IX: A Lot of Nonsense

---SCHOOL---

ahem As the narrator of this epic, I would like to thank RahXephon for helping my role achieve new heights.

(A/N to narrator: Shut it!)

As Shinji walked towards his class, he reflected on yesterday's great battle. _Wow. What a great battle._

Shinji is not the most eloquent of thinkers.

He found the room, and took his seat in the exact center of the classroom, which also happened to be right in-between that other guy and the recently reincarnated Toji. Kensuke sat in the seat ahead of Shinji, while the seat behind him remained empty. This was all part of Shinji's obsessive need to have symmetry. As Kensuke sat down, he noticed the empty seat behind Shinji for the first time and said, " Hey, if you want symmetry so badly, why is that seat empty?"

Shinji looked at the seat behind him, then turned back to Kensuke and said, "I don't know. For some reason I never noticed that seat before."

"How could you not notice it? Do you walk into the class backwards and sit down without turning around?"

Toji pointed at the line of desks between Shinji's seat and the door that had all been pushed out of order. "That's exactly what he does."

Before Kensuke could even begin to explain how insane Shinji was, and how it made no sense that someone so obsessive about order like Shinji would disrupt the perfectly aligned desks, Toji loudly exclaimed, "Someone's gossiping! Everyone eavesdrop!"

Gossiper #1 turned to his friend and said, "That's funny. I thought I heard someone eavesdropping on us."

The second gossiper, who's proper name was Gossiper #2, said, "Don't be ridiculous. Just tell me what you said again."

"Well, I just heard from Gossiper #3 that we have a new student in our class."

"How would he know that?"

"Well, he's psychic."

Gossiper #3 jumped up from his seat and proclaimed, "That's right! It was me! I'm the psychic one! I know everything!" He would have continued with an evil laugh, but his awesome, and somewhat creepy, powers told him that he might sound pretentious.

Gossiper #1 turned back to his friend and continued. "Man, that guy sure is pretentious. Anyway, the new student is rumored to be an Eva pilot."

At that moment, Gossiper #3 stood up and yelled, "Random Kid #4 is coming right now!"

Random Kid #4 (you know, the one from the third chapter?) entered the room and greeted his friends. "Hi everyone!"

Gossiper #2 completely ignored him and said to Gossiper #3, "Hey, why don't you stop being so pretentious all the time?"

Random Kid #4 (who you'll recall doesn't appreciate being ignored) cried out, "Pay attention to me!"

Gossiper #2 just kept on ignoring him. "Just because you're psychic doesn't mean that you're better than us."

But Gossiper #3 wouldn't have any of that. "Of course I'm better than you. I can predict what you're going to say next."

That Random Kid #4 guy kept it up. "Just listen to me. I'm important too!"

Gossiper #2, using his own awesome, just not quite as awesome as #3's, powers retorted, "But if you say what I'm going to say then I will react and I will think of something else to say. If I say something and you say what I said after, no one will believe that you're actually psychic. There's no way to prove that you can actually read my mind! Hey, are you listening to me?"

Even though he had awesome power's, Gossiper #3's brain couldn't take the strain of trying to understand what Gossiper #2 said, and he fainted. Gossiper #1 poked him and reported, "He's dead."

Gossiper #2 took the news quite badly. He cradled the deceased in his arms and cried. "No! Don't leave me! I loved him!"

Kensuke quickly saved the situation. "We're getting way off track here."

Shinji woke up at the sound of Kensuke's voice and found himself in a pool of his own drool. "Yuck!"

Showing a rare use of amazing brain power, Toji thought about what the gossipers had said. "Hmm. They said that the new student is an Evangelion pilot. Who could that be?"

Shinji thought about this for some time before venturing, "Maybe it's Rei."

Rei finally appeared on the scene and said, "No, I was here before you were."

Kensuke thought about this for a bit, then said, "Maybe it's Shinji."

It took Shinji a while to process this, and finally responded, "I think that you're right!"

Toji couldn't stand this any more. He said, "Look, there are three Eva pilots in existence, Rei, Shinji, and Auska. Shinji and Rei are in our class already. So if the third pilot is coming, who is the only possible choice?"

After a while, Shinji spoke up. "Maybe it's Rei."

"I think that you're right!" exclaimed Kensuke.

Before Toji could even begin to think about telling them who it was, there was a great rumbling.

Shinji totally lost it and shrieked, "It's Third Impact! Rei, we've failed!"

He was wrong however. It was not Third Impact. it was something much worse. An inter-dimensional rift formed in the front of the classroom, showing a portal into a realm of hellish brimstone and fire. Auska jumped out of the portal and it closed up behind her.

The only thought that was left in Kensuke's mind was, _"Woah, that was awesome!"_

Shinji totally lost it again and shrieked, "It's Owska!" (Read part VIII)

Unfortunately, Auska herd him. "It's Aaahhska!" and slapped him.

Toji tried to correct him with no success.

"Repeat after me. Aaaahhsssskaaa."

"Umm…AAAoouuuwwwsssska?"

This only helped him get another twelve megaton slap from Auska.

Well, this process continued for several hours. And when I say several hours, I mean the rest of the school day. I've got to move the story along somehow. We've been in that classroom forever!

---THE COAST---

Kensuke was about to complain about the lack of creativity in the scene's name, when it occurred to him that he enjoyed being alive. So, he left the scene that he wasn't supposed to be in anyway.

Shinji, in his Eva, told Auska, "See, I told you plot holes will go away if you ignore them."

Auska had never witnessed such a thing before. "Wow, I've never been witness to such a thing before."

This time Kensuke couldn't resist and came running back. "Author! You need better dialogue!"

At that moment Israfel arrived, and the UN released the hounds. Being allergic to dogs, the angel sneezed, destroying several buildings. The debris happened to land on Kensuke, knocking him out cold for the rest of the chapter.

(A/N to characters and narrator: I've warned you enough! Now focus!)

Shinji was amazed at how quickly the author dispatched Kensuke. "Wow, I'd better stay on script before something happens to me."

The angel began its rush, quickly pushing the dogs aside with only a few sneezes. The debris from those sneezes knocked out passer-bys who weren't really supposed to be there.

Auska then noticed something that the author had missed. "Why is this angel sneezing? I thought that Sachiel could do that."

"Well, that's true," Gendo said over the communication's link. "We couldn't find any angels willing to play Israfel, so we just rehired Sachiel at triple pay and put him in an Israfel costume."

"It's like some weird cosplay convention gone horribly awry!" cried Misato.

Israfel was not pleased with this. "What. You mean this isn't a cosplay? I quit!"

Gendo sighed. "Fuyutski, deploy Unit 00 in the Israfel costume."

"Sir, the Israfel costume is still on Sachiel." (By the way, this is the first time Fuyutski has said anything since Part I)

---2 HOURS LATER---

In order to ignore the plot holes, everything went insane. Gendo, dressed in an Auska costume, was in a Shinji costume and piloting Eva Unit 01. Rei had gotten in Unit 00, mugged Sachiel to steal the Israfel costume, and put the stolen costume on her Eva. Auska was in 2 layers of Shinji costumes, with an Auska costume on top, and was piloting Eva Unit 02. Shinji was pretending to be a bridge bunny, while Maya replaced Malchior, the Magi, who had quit with Sachiel. Misato and Ritsuko traded places. Fuyutski was drinking the NERV mascot's (that is to say, the moose's) water and the Moose was in a Gendo costume. The moose folded his hands over his mouth and whispered, "All goes according to the scenario."

At that moment, Israfel showed up. "I heard you were paying triple salary so I decided I want the job!"

The moose was very displeased.

---ANOTHER 2 HOURS LATER---

So, now the plot holes had all been filled in. But the situation was moving four hours behind schedule.

And Auska was tired. "Lets get this thing over with!"

Auska rushed Israfel and cut in half from head to non-existent tail.

She was surprised. "That was surprisingly easy."

But the Angel wasn't through. One half jumped in and exclaimed, "Hi! I'm Israfel."

The other half was not far behind. "Hi! I'm Israfel Squared! But you won't know about that until the 23rd episode."

Kensuke started to stir, and Sachiel came out of nowhere to sneeze and create debris. Kensuke was once again, knocked out for the rest of the chapter.

Auska on the other hand didn't know what to do. "What do I do? What do I do!"

"That's a good question," stated Israfel squared.

---ANOTHER 2 HOURS LATER---

"How did you do that?" Asked an incredulous Israfel squared.

In that time that was just fast-forwarded through, Shinji and Auska had managed to release the hounds, launch the jets, and fire the tanks, but nothing worked. In the end, it was Misato that took out the original Israfel.

"Well, all I've done is observe the author's techniques," she explained. "All I did was release the hounds to attack Israfel, and he sneezed. The blast threw debris up in the air that landed on Israfel and knocked him out."

"What a degrading way to be destroyed! Killed by friendly fire," mourned Israfel squared. "Well, to protect myself from such a fate, I quit!"

And with that, the 7th angel was defeated.

THE END

I think that's one of the longest chapters yet. I'm not going to check or anything, but you can go ahead and do it for me if you have nothing better to do.

Please review, and check back every once in a while to see if I've updated!


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